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Thursday, July 26, 2012

Its funny how you didnt do anything and yet you're distracting me from my studies...Thats why i walked away in the first place, but it seems like you didnt notice i was gone at all...Been a year with this crazy feeling inside of me. damn sometimes it sucks being a teenage girl...

10:01 PM

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Well, life aint going that smoothly. But who said life was easy...Results are back, i drop a grade for my H2s and went up a grade for my H1s. But still, aint pretty if you knew what grade i started out with. Anyways, things in school are always dramatic...but things at home aint sunny too. Okay pardon me with me obsessive use of arent aint havent didnt what so ever...im too lazy to add the apostrophes. Well, i know parents are busy people with the stinking high cost of living in singapore, its hard to enjoy luxury thingy with a single income. But then, im 18 not 28...at some point in time, i need my family, which now seems a little non-existing. Been months since the family's had a meal together with everyone present, but it happens almost every other day for other families. Its not that my parents are constantly working...they arent. But with me and my brother now having schedules of our own, its a little hard for us too. its not schedules like friend time or what so ever yea!
Anyways, it kinda sucks having half the family only on half a weekend...and it kills me seeing them giving in to us cause they want to make us happy...i feel spoiled so im really trying to change this concept.
Getting a little off track...but wells, bottom line is i love my family even though i...well i cant say i dont need them cause i do...its just i find myself constantly struggling on my own.
Caught the dark knight today and it was awesome. Joseph Gordon Levitt said in the movie, that Christian Bale is just putting on a mask to the whole world...and not the batman mask but the smiles. It hit me...was i doing the same? Acting all smiley to the world and coming home with a different face...oh wait correction...coming home all smiley to my family and going to my room behind closed doors with a different face.
Nah im not like that all the time...but theres a good 60% that i do...

I believe that i should touch on the poly vs jc concept a little since its been raised like forever.
Im from a JC and never been to a poly so i do not know better...but hear me out.
I totally believe that poly kids are going through though curriculum like us jc kids. And yes i cant deny the fact that most of us move on to universities and not the workforce. And i disagree with the government's point of having poly graduates step into the workforce directly. And i do not think that we jc kids are smarter than poly kids...
Almost everyone can have a choice between JC or Poly at the Olevel period. So most poly kids can enter jc too. I dont think that they are learning things easier than us as well. But the road to university is tough. I know that poly kids have to maintain amazing GPA throughout the 3years or its bye bye local uni. And, we are dealing with failures every single day. Although they dont count in the end, they are your worse enemy in your journey till the end. Most Jc kids that are failing studied hard. Okay maybe you aced your Alevels in the end, good for you now scramble to Uni...but what if you didnt? $500 of exam fees gone, spot in local uni gone, tears and sweat gone. Hahaha i believe most average Jc kids have been through the despair and broke down once or twice at least... I know polytechnics aint easy cause i think i cant maintain a good GPA...but i wished there could be mutual understandings.
We dont think we are smarter...and i hope poly students dont blame us for filling in uni seats. We both tried and fought hard for it. whoever that makes it wins the game although there are differences in the pathways that we took to get there. So i really hope for mutual respect and understanding.

9:51 PM

Friday, July 06, 2012

Midyears ended a few days ago. Its nice for it to end but i guess im afraid of the consequences of flunking now. It really sucks that you have to deal with the crazy curriculum of jc life when you're family aint understand.

I love my family, but they just dont get what can jc do to a person. Im not exactly blaming it on school cause im rather impatient and temperamental myself...and prolly is because i hardly put in the sufficient amount of effort for school but its undeniably packed. So its really very natural for me to come home from school all annoyed, wanting some peace and quiet. And i never get that. I wonder what other families are like sometimes...but mine, its loud.

We tend to be more vocal when it comes to things so it naturally affects the whole family since our house aint that big. But what really sucks its that when certain behaviors clearly pisses me off and I've already been frank about it, no one changes. When your sibling annoys the shit out of you by idk staring into your face inches away?! or sits right in front of you when you watch tv?! its my fault when i lose my cool... Seriously?! My family always complain about how i always look so tired when im home, or i always take afternoon naps. Okay yes its my fault that i slept late, but im a teenager, well i still am, its only freaky when i start crawling into bed at 9pm... I always get complains on how i hardly dine with my family, really? I go home after school, a good 80% chance is that im alone. (which i really enjoy) . I have to settle my lunch every single weekday by myself when others go home to meals prepared by their parents. (i have no problems with that) . And i try my very best to accompany my daddy for breakfast, lunch, and walk the 'boys shops' like gadgets and homefix shops every Sunday even though sometimes i made plans. (i dont complain about that) . So why do i get friggin complains every time i dont join you for dinner be it i had lessons till 6 or be it i slept through it. I get it, you guys cant eat in restaurants without me cause you guys cant order varieties...but you have a son as well...

Its not that i dont want to spend time with you guys. But i always have to rush to places after school to dine with you. I've stood on packed mrt rides from chuachukang-toapayoh/Angmokio/bishan at 6pm in my uniform, with my school bag, and a ultra shag self...just to have dinner. Worst part is, after we dine, we do takeaways for my brother. Who happened to be a clerk in the army, able to go home everyday at 5 energetically...and doesn't have homework/test/exams!!! Someone explain this logic to me...

I've been really flexible after both my parents joined the workforce...i buy my own breakfast the day before if i want to, i settle my own lunch, i settle stuffs that happen in my own room, i iron my own damn uniform even though my brother's has already been pressed for him somewhat magically, i dont leave dirty dishes lying around, i dont leave food trash on the friggin basin and walk away and expecting someone to clear it for me which my parents always clears it without a lecture in the end, i clean up after myself but i always get scolded whenever i dont do a good job at it. Okay yes its my fault that i didn't do a perfect job, but didn't you realise your son didn't do the damn job? your son eats my meals that i left in the fridge and i ended up not having my dinner. your son leaves the friggin fridge door open wide and i get scolded about it and when you found out the truth, you simply walk away...your son blocks you on facebook so he can scold vulgarities about you guys...your son hasnt joined you for dinner or any types of meals for months... your son only happens to be 2years older than me, how much space does he need...your son curses every thing when he's with me and acts all innocent with you...your son... ...

I happen to still be a kid. If you did what you did to anyone else they probably might have gone into depression...

So seriously, when all these things are happening to me, and with the load from school, please dont scold me for being temperamental or easily annoyed... I wouldn't say that my i have bad parents, they just aren't that understanding and observant. Which is understandable provided we came from different generations...but at least try?

try to make it a fair treatment for your two kids? try to think about what im dealing with?

Hah...what im dealing with...what can a 18 year old be dealing with right? maybe just having to struggle the tough curriculum or a J2, having to get my grades up before the end of the year, having to be there for my family when you aren't there for me, having to keep everything ordered, having to worry about my meals, having to settle little bits and pieces like stitching, replacing, fixing, questioning, etc..., having to worry about my future as i never had guidance or advice from my parents on top, having to do all that and maintain healthy relationships with my family and friends.

How awesome is my life.

10:03 PM